“You can’t pasteurize the Academy Award, you can’t negotiate it. It is the top.” – Felicity Huffman, Transamerica

Hate to break it to you, Ms. Huffman, but, well, you’re completely wrong.

“I was completely surprised.” – Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Ummm… if any nomination this year was a lock, it was yours, Reese. Give yourself some credit.

“My levels of gratitude will be overflowing all day, so I’ll be making a mess as they spill all over wherever I go.” – Bennett Miller, Capote

I liked your film, Mr. Miller, but ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….

“This year’s featured films paint a portrait of America that is guaranteed to have the Bush crowd fulminating. This is a land where the frontier is a hotbed of gay love, and where the cities are seething cauldrons of race hate . It is a country where the workplace is a site for sexual harassment, the heroes are pimps and the pioneer spirit is embodied by a pre-operative transsexual.” – Xan Brooks, Guardian UK

Yeah. Right. “The Bush crowd” is against love. They’re all racists. They’re all for sexual harrassment. And who in their right mind could possibly not view pimps and transsexuals as our country’s guiding lights?

“We didn’t make the film for any kind of political movement. We never expected to change people’s minds. But if it does affect people’s hearts, if perceptions can get altered, that’s a good thing.” – Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain

So… what perception do you want your movie to give us, Heath? That Ennis and Jack would have lived happily ever after if they hadn’t been persecuted? The movie doesn’t convince me of that. That Ennis and Jack were in love? Looked more like lust and a preoccupation with nostalgia to me. That infidelity is a brave and wonderful thing? Sorry… the only thing that broke my heart in Brokeback Mountain was thinking about poor Alma and how badly their kids need a good role model for a dad.

“I’m going to celebrate by flying to Cabo and having a shot of tequila.” – George Clooney, on his three nominations

Ahh… the words of the man with the moral high ground. George, that statement is so, so, so much better than your Golden Globes acceptance speech.

“… I’m not certain that there’s ever been a film that has a gay romance that’s been embraced this way. But on the other hand the film is about a lot more than that. I’ve said this before, but it’s sort of like saying ‘Lonesome Dove’ is just a story about a cattle drive.” – Diana Ossana, nominated with Larry McMurtry Brokeback Mountain.

Yeah, it’s ALSO about cheating on your wife, betraying your kids, plunging into hasty unprotected sex with someone you’ve just met, and convincing yourself that you’ll be happy if you can just get back to that summer when you cut yourself off from the rest of the world and pretended your actions didn’t have consequences.

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